Sunday, November 05, 2006

The deeper I get into the esoteric realm of things, the more I become irritated with everyday life. Not so much everyday life, as the importance that seems to be placed on these events. It is almost to the absurd, like erecting a monument to try and immortalize a thing that no longer exists. I don't know how to explain much of what is going on in my head, or what causes my irritation in the first place. Perhaps it is some ego stuck in the throes of knowing it is without purpose, yet it still strives to survive.

I get frustrated at not being able to awaken those around me, and yet I am not fully awake myself. What is that all about?

I have been whittling away at untruths and keep facing mortality, and contemplating death. Contemplation of death sounds morbid, but it is all but that. The fact of such meditation is that it clears away the morbidity of the fact.

Just when I sit down to write, I so often lose my thread of thought and have no idea what to write. It is like there are clear thoughts and experiences, but no actual words to go with them. Doesn't do much for communication except to reinforce the need for direct mind rapport.

I really long for others to share the passion of Self Realization to the degree I do. I know there are others out there, but it is not exactly a popular topic. There is a tendency to put off thinking about such things until very late in life when it is more than likely too late to do much about them. I suffer deep frustration at this. I keep digging. Where am I now in the search. I realize I have spent much of life reading, discussing, thinking, and so forth about Reality and the Nature of who or what I am and yet I have spent really very little time really putting those things into action. Just when I start to squirm, I start to back off. The reality of it though is that it may be in those uncomfortable moments that the real progress begins. It is easy to say you don't fear death until given a death sentence from a health issue or something. It is only then that you truly know what your reaction will be. I am by no means asking for something like that, but I want to make breakthroughs in the realm of Self Awareness, Truth, Enlightenment. Call it what you will. I am really afraid to ask for catalysts as I am afraid I will get them, and I am sure they are more than likely unpleasant. I think we are all reluctant to embrace the unpleasant. In the meantime, I continue to look at things as best I can, and to try and live a life conducive to this line of work. Shut off energy drains, keep the house in order, keep asking questions and walking the path of the reverse vector.

There is a dilemma I often run up against. As things lose their significants I find it harder and harder to find the motivation to do anything other than maintain. On the up side, I seem to care less and less what I do in order to make a living as well as caring less about other events in life. This allows for a much deeper enjoyment of the moment for what it is because there isn't all this entanglement in whatever it happens to be. I do find myself hanging onto so many things though that saddle me with attachment. I get a twinge of freedom with each letting go of an ego or attachment of some sort. I waste so much time and energy with worry and fear that if I just let an experience pass through it would leave so much more energy in reserve, and things that I dread would pass with little notice. That is true freedom, to be able to truly live selflessly. Viewing some of the principles of Christ make so much more sense in that light.

I still do things with the anticipation of some sort of recognition even though I know on an intellectual level that the recognition I seek is foolish. The trouble is that I don't know it on a visceral level.